Christine & Mike

The poll results are in! No, wait, there’s no poll.  Just my ranting! yay ranting!

• Don’t talk at all in the theater, not louder than a whisper.  I don’t care if the previews haven’t even started yet. I don’t want to hear you yapping on the phone, saying “I’m at the movies” over and over again, because the person on the other end can’t hear you.  They make movie theater walls thick for a reason, and it’s not just for soundproofing.
• After the first preview trailer is done, don’t turn to your friend, spouse, etc, and loudly say “that movie looks good.”  We know it does, that’s why movie companies are spending millions of dollars on trailers, to show them to us.  If the movie sucked, the companies wouldn’t waste their money showing it to us.
• Don’t forget where you sit. Seriously, how hard is this?  Chances are, you’re like me, and sit in the same seat every time you come to the theater.  Even if that’s not the case, how hard is it to remember where you sat?  The theaters are only so big, ya know.

• Don’t laugh out loud hysterically, and out of control. I understand some movies can make you laugh out loud, that’s fine.  But laughing for five continuous minutes at some joke that no one else laughed at, is just out the question
• Don’t applaud.  Ever. This is a big no-no.  No one from the movie company’s there, the director’s not there, and the cast certainly isn’t there. No one in the theater gives a damn what you thought about the movie, and will automatically hate you if you applaud a movie, especially prior to the very end of the ending credits.
• Don’t spend an hour trying to figure out “Where I know that guy from!?”  Everyone in the theater is thinking the same thing.  Some two-bit actor’s finally got another part in a movie, and no one can remember that he played the next door neighbor’s cousin on an episode of Friends nine years ago.  Just suck it up, deal with it, and go home to look it up on IMDB.  It’s only going to annoy yourself, and me when you yap back and forth with your friend about who he is.
• Don’t slurp your soda, ever. This is highly annoying.  I know soda costs more than gas does, when you’re at a theater.  However, that doesn’t give you the right to suck every last mill-ounce out of the cup.  Wait ten minutes, the fourteen pounds of ice they put in your cup will melt, and you’ll be all set.
• (This one’s directed to the people who work the concession stands)  Don’t tell me that if I upgrade to a “large”, I’ll get “Free refills” on my soda and popcorn. Seriously, I know the managers make you say it, but I don’t want to hear it.  A large soda at the movie theater is like 400 ounces, who could possibly drink one of those, let alone two or three?  And a large popcorn? That’s like six or seven pounds of popcorn.  Can anyone really eat more than that?  I don’t think I could finish a large bag of popcorn between three people.  Though, there are some people in this country, whom I am sure get more than one or two refills.  STOP EATING FATTY!
• Don’t talk during the movie. I understand the urge to say “did you see that?” or “holy crap!”, but seriously, we all saw the same thing you did.  We’re all thinking “holy crap” when the car blew up, or whatever.  Movie writers do that, ya know.  They make things have “holy crap” moments on purpose. And most of them are so obvious that everyone in the theater will think the same thing.  Hearing you say “holy crap” isn’t going to intensify the moment.
• Parents - do not bring your children to movies they shouldn’t be seeing.  I can understand bringing an eleven or twelve year old to a PG-13 movie, fine. But do you really need to bring your six year old too?  Or even worse, did you need to bring your twelve year old, to the rated R movie you wanted to see?  That’s just wrong.  If you have to stop and explain everything to a six year old (about Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) for example, then the four year old shouldn’t be there in the first place.  I’m not trying to tell anyone how to parent their children, all I’m saying is that it annoys me when you bring you rugrats to movies they shouldn’t see.  And, since I’m paying half my annual salary every weekend between admission, and snacks, I don’t think I should have to listen to your six year old gasp, scream, cry, and talk through the movie I want to see.

This concludes my list of Top Ten things to not do in a movie theater.  Please abide by them, I’m not asking much.

Filed under: Everyday Life, Movies